White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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