M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
