I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
