I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
