i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
