so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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