I think i peed on brittanys purse
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
