If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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