just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
