I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
