i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
