I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
