took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
