Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
