Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
