LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
