Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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