Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
