Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
