when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
