Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
