i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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