i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
