Please, let me fuck your mom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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