I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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