I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
