dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
