Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Found the puke drawer
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
