just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
