Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
