Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
