Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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