My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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