Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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