His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
