I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
