You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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