She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
