____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
