he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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