I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
