she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
