just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
