Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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