fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
