Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
