saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
