Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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