the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
