You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
