my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
