Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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